Dear introvert,
Updated: Nov 11, 2020
You are awesome. I know it is not always easy to deal with people, especially those who are defientely a little extra (yes, that's a pun). Those days, it's pretty hard for everyone to be isolated and yet pretty scarry to be around people. You can be so much fun to be around and I know that you like how others can sometimes push you out of your comfort zones and encourage you to try things you wouldn't have if those people weren't around. I have met and befriended many introverts, and in the context of a party, sports, art or something they are passionate about, some of them just become completely different people.
I am pretty sure I am somewhat of a hybrid myself, I have everything from an extravert at first glance. I'd say i'm about a 70/30 extravert/introvert, and i defiently need to feel safe to let everything out. I am also neurodivergent, and that makes it pretty hard to just place me in one category or another. I guess I must be a pervet hahahah
I can just as easily keep to myself, get lost in books and be a homebody (or troglodyte hermite) as I can be dancing on tables and singing loud carelessly of people's judgement. I appreciate when people look past my awkwardness and talk my ears off anyway
and I am sure some typical introverts do that too.
But yeah...one can be an introvert and still get lonely and being an introvert doesn't mean you don't like company.
If I had to express how I see the difference between an introvert and an extravert I'd say this:
people are like plants, with feelings...
An extravert is moss and needs to be almost constantly soaking in what makes it live,
close to people.
An introvert is like a cactus, it needs a little bit of water here and the but mostly, it likes dry no mans land .
We all get our energy from different things, but when it comes to introvert/extravert, I believe extravert need a lot of social interactions because they absorb the "good vibrations" that their people bring them.
For introverts, it's quite the opposite, having people around just drains their energy, they create their own good vibe and give it out in social context rather than absorbing it.
Introverts find constant social interaction exhausting, they need alone time to recharge. Their energy is pretty limited, extraverts can become super obnoxious to them and, might even seem predatory ...as if they were constantly stealing the food in their plate without really asking just assuming that they are entitled to it since it's right there. As a defense mechanism, they kind of create a bubble in which they can safely recharge. For some it's a corner near the fireplace in a comfy armchair with a book, for others it's a man cave or a workshop, their bedrooms or it can even be their whole place.
The funny thing is it can also be outside, on the bench at the top of the hill, or that big Rock I like to go climb on to sit there looking over the whole forest in the back of my village.
Once again, someone being an introvert doesn't necessqrily mean they are shy or totally misanthrope. It is just very expensive for them energy wise and they don't want to waste their energy on something that annoying to them, we all have our different priorities and preferences, and that's what makes humanity so great!
A few things one can do to interact with an introvert in a positive manner:
First and most important: RESPECT THEIR BUBBLE, do not encroach on their personal space unless you are invited to.
Do not ask for attention when you don't absolutely need it, especially when you can tell they need to recharge.
Remember they have only so much to give, producing their own energy takes a lot of rechaging and giving is very energy expensive to them.
Do not take their silence as an insult or as them being mad at you.
Dont forget that they too get lonely.
Being in a relationship or living with a introvert is always tricky, and especially hard for an extravert.
It is really important to be aware of yourself around them, no one is saying that you shouldn't be yourself, but there are concession and efforts to be made on both sides.
1.
Extraverts are more inclined to feel the need to think out loud and tend to speak before or as they think. Introverts prefer to process and think about things internally before speaking. When you speak outloud all the time, it keeps the introvert from thinking at all. Some of them are really good at blocking any sound that might annoy them while reading , for instance if someone is doing the dishes in the back, but for most it is already an invasion of their buble.
2.
It takes introvert longer to gather their thoughts and prepare to speak. Scientists have actually found that information travels through longer pathways in an introvert's brains than yours. (not putting references because it's a bunch of tough reads but feel free to research and check). The reason they are so quiet might be that they don't feel like they get a chance to talk at all. Allow silence to be part of a conversation, that might help.
3.
Many introverts like discussing one topic in depth more than covering lots of topics superficially. Small talks are not something that an introvert appreciates, especially a neurodivergent one (aspergers for instance) and or suffering from mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, bipolarism etc. It is also really hard for those who have not been used to being able to express their feelings: isolated single parents, children of absentee parents, ex military (or military child), most males (unfortunately) or people from minorities, victims of bullying ...etc When ask how they are doing, the answer is usually pretty concise, some of them might think it is not an interesting topic and therefore a waste of time.
So, make it count, do not jump from one topic to another, and once again, let them gather their thoughts, be patient.
4.
When an introvert is quiet, you might think that they are trying to hide something, that they are being passive aggressive,maybe even that they don't have an opinion or something to say. But you can’t really assume much about the meaning of one's silence, other than they are probably deep in thought. If you really need to talk to them, you might want to say their name so that they know you are actually addressing them, especially if you have been talking out loud and they don't seem to listen, and pause, be patient. They might be on their phone, playing video games or reading and need a minute to finish the passage they are on, realize that you are most likely interupting their recharge time.
5.
Introvert might need more alone time than you do. They need time to process their thoughts. They also need time to rest, because the same socializing that you find energizing drains their batteries. Recharge time or alone time is not their way to tell you they don't like you....
When we want to spend time alone, it doesn’t mean we are trying to get away from everyone. We are just trying to give our mind and body what it needs. Introverts need EXTRA alone time, it's not about you, it's about them!
6.
You don’t need to worry that there is something wrong or that an introvert is automatically lonely if they are doing things by themselves. they really, truly enjoy solitude! It might be hard for some to understand, but some people can keep themselves company enough...my brother really enjoyed playing his legos for hours when he was little, I like being alone in my room to write or in my seperate part of the house cleaning while listening to an audio book rather than sitting in a coffee shop full of people who might interupt me to ask me if I come here often or if I have the code for the wifi...
7.
Wanting to spend a good bit of time in solitude doesn’t mean you are anti-social. Many introverts are actually very interested in other people and relationships but would rather have a few very close friends than a large number of acquaintances. Once again, they prefer deep discussions over small talk. Total strangers usually start with the small talks and by the time it's over, I personally feel already "over it". Also, some conversation aren't conversations you have with strangers without a certain setting, amongs peers,, amongs friends.
8.
Again, loneliness also plagues introverts sometimes and they like having you around. But sometimes all they want to be quiet together. they can play their video games on one side of the couch while you read on the other. You can totally netflix and chill. The kids can play in their room, you fold the laundry and the introvert empties teh dishwasher....i mean there are so many possibilities!
9.
Doing to others what you would like them to do to you doesn't work!You like lots of talk and lots of activity and lots of people around you. So you want to be nice and give the introvert just that! Probably not right away but, the good intention might be appreciate, but the thing is… different people, different need. And in fact, when you push those things on someone too hard, it might push them away and make them want to run away. Patience, compassion and empathy should guide you there! It's not about what you want, it' s about what they need. Compromise can be made, but you must understand that it's not a one way street!
10.
Introverts are not broken, they do not need to be fixed. That is also pushy!When you make comments about them being quiet or ask why they don’t talk more or do more, it more than likely make them feel guilty and cause distress. Be understanding and patient, tell them it's ok. They don’t want to be fixed or if they do, that's because they think it is wrong to be different from most people who are not introverts. Accept them the way they are, difference is what makes the world beautiful.
why don't you try this:
do what thou wilt, and let them do just the same.
Watch your favorite TV show, read your book, and let them do whatever they want to do. If they pass you bye say "hey", let them know if they need help you can leave whatever you are doing behind and help if they want.
Be polite, respectful, don't ignore their presence but no need to make a big fuss about it! Just show them that you appreciate them being around, especially if it is a child.
They need to feel welcome, at ease and not forced oppressed and feeling like you would be better off without them or like they don't belong.
If you have important news or pressing matters to discuss, say their name, remember to pause and allow them to gather their thoughts, and don't put pressure on them.
Don't expect them to answer right away, don't stare at them while waiting for an anwser, don't nag. you might want to say "hey real quick...?".Then let them go back to whatever they were doing.
It is a trust building exercice, they need to be able to trust that you won't push them to spend their precious energy on something they didn't really want to do....and who knows, they might volontarily sit on the other side of the sofa and read their newspaper while you read your book on the other side or maybe they will watch netflix with you?
someone needs to make my introvert a shirt saying:
"If you love me, Don't need me"
here are some fun meme on introverts: