Maryline Morand
- Oct 18, 2020
- 8 min read

Apologia of fetish and BDSM, f*ck Abuse!

Updated: Jul 23, 2021

f you know me, you know I'm a kinky one, you can't shame me, I won't shame you and I am absolutely open to conversation about the most taboo subjects. I have my preferences, I have my "hell NO!" but it is very rare that I refuse a conversation about kinky stuff, sexual preferences and identity or relationships.

Unfortunately a lot of people still have a hard time talking about some major taboo subject, intimacy, sexuality and divergence for instance.

image credit: inteus photography

The following post is something I have been working on since June 2020 following a "kink awareness" online event organized by the Orange County division of TST SoCal. I am not going into too much details here, this is not meant to be a full on guide to BDSM. This is merely an introduction, something like a 101 to peak your interest and hopefully get you to have a better idea of it, do some research and why not explore...

THIS POST MIGHT GET UPDATED/ MODIFIED IN THE FUTURE, please feel free to comment and help me improve!

The matter of sexuality is a matter of personal and public safety. Contraception, Abortion, Mental health, LGBTQIAP+, ...etc. these matters are all of an outmost importance to ensure the practice of safe sex and a global well being of individuals.

In the Satanic Temple disclaimer: this doesn't mean that I make myself a spokesperson of the organization but simply that I have been inspired by the work of the organization when I wrote this, a lot of work is done to ensure that members, friends of, allies and even outsiders’ feel safe and guilt free.

According to our highly held beliefs, the 7 tenets, NO ONE should ever feel threatened whether it is by a single individual, a group or an institution to practice their sexuality the way they want to. There should be no shame, no guilt and no forced hand!

As a big middle finger to the Church and other oppressing religions and societal norms, I, Maryline, Satanist and member of the Temple practitioner in the BDSM and fetishist would like to present an introduction to BDSM as part of raising awareness and educating to put an end to this bullshit. It has been really hard to see people slipping away and feeling like they couldn’t be open about it to the point of no return. Seeing people suffering for something as simple as wanting to live their sexuality freely or suffering from it ourselves should NOT be a thing! It is not for everybody, and it’s ok, but you should know it’s out there and how so.

Why BDSM?

there are many reasons why individuals, couples, groups get into the practice of BDSM some of those according to me:

it offers creative outlet that liberates individuals, balances their lives and alleviates frustrations. It is a safe space to express yourself and practice your desires and preferences while everlearning about yourself and your boundaries.
it challenges traditional gender, sex roles and cliché norms: monogamy, sexual orientation, good/bad
it is pleasure oriented and well being oriented ( good pain only if any)

What does it stand for?

B/D bondage and discipline

D/S domination and submission

S/M sadism and masochism

the Emblem:

This is a 2 dimensional representation of the BDSM Emblem. It shows the basic shape of the "three spoked wheel" design. This vectorised representation does not present the metallic color or depth (3D) of the Emblem conferred by the1 holes within the black areas. The holes are important because they characterise the BDSM Emblem uniqueness, similar designs might not include that detail. If the design does not have the holes it is not considered to be the BDSM Emblem.

The color is also very important, if the color is not black, it is not the BDSM Emblem.

The BDSM world is very much based on discipline and precision, a true representation of the BDSM Emblem, must show the black background, the metallic color and the holes. If any one of these features are missing, it is not truly the Emblem.

The Meaning of the BDSM Triskelion:

Within the BDSM emblem that we use today are the three main understandings of the three divisions of the design along several possible lines of representation.

bondage and discipline/ dominance and submission/ sadism and masochism.
the BDSM motto: "safe/ sane/ consensual".
the three segments of the BDSM community:tops/ bottoms/ switches.

Some Kinks and Fetish:

anal play
breath play
bondage (shibari, shackles, leatherbound)
consensual non-consensual play aka CNC (NOT ALWAYS rape play)
CFNM (clothed female naked man) or CMNF
fisting
foot worship
exhibitionnist/voyeurism
pup play
sensory deprivation
spanking
watersports
heavy Rubber

Common BDSM Terms

play
scene
24/7
negociation
safeword
contract
aftercare
vanilla
kink or fetish
Top/Dom/Domme/ Dominant/ Dominatrix/ Master/ Captor/ Mistress
Switch / Fluid
Bottom / Slave / Submissive / Captive/ Boi / Puppy / Baby (capital letter optional)
drop
subspace

BDSM Philosophy/Guidelines

safe, sane and consensual (ssc)

safe: all parties understand risks involved and try to avoid and eliminate risks
sane: play is approached in a sensible and realistic manner
consensual: all parties have freely consented to BDSM acts involved in the scene/session

risk aware consensual kink (rack)

All parties are involved in the negotiation process, have researched the proposed kink/activities, are informed about the risks involved in such practices and agree on how certain activities will be enacted.

Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink or PRICK (evolution of RACK)

Personal responsibility: the idea that human beings choose, instigate, or otherwise cause their own actions.All kinksters should take personal responsibility for their kink.
Informed: the kinkster understands what is about to happen including but not only risks.
Consensual: what all parties are looking for.

BDSM Contracts & Consent

BDSM contract

To be absolutely clear those contracts are not legally binding, and have a negotiable expiration date or termination process.

A contract is customized and unique according to the BDSM relationship

Possible contents:

established roles and duties of each party involved
pet names, preferred titles, level of etiquette/ protocol
responsabilities
Play activities, kinks and fetishes
hard limits
safe words and or colors yes/maybe/no green/yellow/red
confidentiality statement (public, strictly secret…)
termination process
veto power

Contracts can be as casual as just a talk or as formal as you (all parties) so wish, although selling one’s soul and signing in blood is very satanic ;)

Consent

one's body is inviolable and subject to one's own will alone

what is consent?:

-verbal communication

-non verbal communication (hand gesture: tapping for instance crossing hands, thumbs up…)

ASK if you aren’t sure, stop if you feel like the consent isn’t truly genuine

consent must be...
informed
freely given
enthusiastic
revocable at any time
consent DOES NOT have to be sexy IT IS NECESSARY!
consent is consistent process, check in/ communicate don’t take it for granted
Consent is NEVER ASSUMED! >ask if you aren’t sure/ when there’s any doubt

What could consent sound like?look like? feel like?

what does it look/sound/feel like to revoke or deny consent?

Safe Word and Colors

A term or phrase prearrange and unambiguous signal to end an act/ activity immediately
it can also be a gesture or other code. (three taps)
determined by ALL involved parties in agreement

Safe colors:

Green: go/proceed
Yellow slow down/ approaching limit
Red stop/ “NO” / Limit reached> safe word

I recommend using the same safe code with all your partners and making sure everyone remembers it before scene. Maybe having it written and visible during play. you need to be able to point at it, look at it, show it, remember it. it could be lift right hand for green, left hand for red.

your green could be thumb up, yellow flat hand, red a fist. One tap, two taps, 3 taps.

Play/ scene/ practice/ training/ grooming:

Chalice playing with Dex

more here

It is extremely important to be able to fully trust your partner weather it is top or bottom. Confidence, honesty and trust are what makes BDSM a safe place. Knowing your limits and abilities and your partners is essential.

If you do not know, haven’t tried or studied a discipline YOU NEED TO before practice.

There is no shame in watching porn, asking a professional or experienced practitioner, it is safer to seem or feel a little ignorant at first instead of exposing yourself to harm directly.

Actually there should always be a period of training/grooming for any new practitioner in any new relationship/agreement/setting. Thus not only to learn the practice of the discipline but also to learn about your partner(s).

If you discover a new "hard pass/hard no" yiu can always re negociate! if you find yourself more comfortable than you thought you would be and want to go further…enjoy the (safe) ride!

YOU CAN STOP AT ANY TIME DURING PLAY, CONSENT IS ALWAYS NECESSARY/ RETRACTABLE

Toys and accessories:

to ensure all participants safety proper cleaning and protections should be used.

condoms can and should be used, even on toys.

bringing your own personal toys to a play party is a great way to reduce risks.

the cleaning of location can be part of the play or the after care too.

Check for allergies!

Know what toys are best for the practice you want to have to avoid risks especially for beginners and self practitioner (anal>base of dildos)

READ MANUALS, know what your toys, outfits and accessories are made of to be able to make the best use of them and take proper care of them.

Use the correct lube (only water base for silicon)

always clean after EACH use.

Remember some of these props go inside of your body, are on contact with your skin, your fluids, my cause injuries.

Levels of Play:

it can be pretty confusing especially if you look on the heavier side of BDSM to identify the level of intensity and safety. What you like and dislike is very personal and your comfort and safety/well being is very personal.

Physical Play:includes all 'kinky' activities that are carried out physically. there are many Disciplines and many ways to carry them.
Mental Play: gathers activities intended to create a psychological impact, often without a physical component. (humiliation, financial,...)
Light Play: activities considered mild and/or carry little social stigma. This especially includes BDSM elements commonly practiced by "vanilla" couples. Most SSC practices will be on this side of the spectrum. Light bedroom bondage, light sensation play and casual spankings are examples of light play.
Heavy Play: indicates elements that are intense and/or carry substantial social stigma. The bulk of activities undertaken by BDSM participants would be considered heavy play or as bordering on heavy play. Most RACK practices will be on this side of the spectrum. Examples of heavy play may include impact play, heavy bondage, shibari suspension, caging, ...
Edge Play & BORK: : Play considered especially dangerous. Examples will vary widely by perception, but often CAN include things such as knife, degradation, and fear play as well as CNC. BORK should NOT be practiced by beginners since it present very high risks of injuries and trauma.

Aftercare:

After a scene, care must be given to ensure that the participants are not immediately or permanently harmed. Some people need a decompression, a decrescendo back to normal.
It is the responsibility of all persons involved in a scene to provide aftercare for each other to avoid Dropping / “mondays”
Good aftercare should also include honest discussions on what worked and what did not work, and how to make the scene more enjoyable in the future.
Aftercare is tailored according to each person’s individuals after a scene

-cuddling

-hot shower/ bath

-baby oil massage

-long talk, smoke, netflix and chill… whatever makes you feel at ease.

BDSM vs Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)

Practicing healthy BDSM

Healthy BDSM practices occur when two or more consenting individuals exchange energy, power, sensation or experience in ways that ignite their happiness and understanding of well being.

Healthy BDSM is based on informed consent and quality of life

Examination of quality of life

-do participan feel positive in the relationship?

-does the relationship enhance life? how so?

-does each individual feel good about themselves and their role before/after/during/after play?

Components of a healthy BDSM relationship

Honesty
open communication
Comfortability/ Satisfaction
non judgemental attitude
Patience
humor
empathy and compassion

What is IPV?

IPV IS ABUSE

A pattern of behavior where one partner coerces, dominates or isolates the other partner.
an exertation of any form of power that is used to maintain control in a relationship.
Average 6-8 attempts for survivor to escape physical dominance.
more dependant = more complications and more trauma

https://avp.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/2000_AVP_IPV_Wheel.pdf

How to differentiate IPV from BDSM and determine abuse?

BDSM

play is always consensual
participant plan their play time to minimize the risk of possible impact on their well being
participants negotiate and agree upon boundaries, rules, safe words, etc...before play sessions and can always renegotiate and change their mind
play can enhance aspects within the relationship (trust, resentment)
can be done in front of audience/voyeur

IPV

abuse is never consensual
abuse doesn't have well-defined time frame/limit.
abuse doesn't include negotiation or input from the victim.
doesn't consider the side of the abused and it deteriorates every aspect of the relationship
abuse most often happens in isolation and secrecy

links/books:

(ideas)

*association against abuse of LGBTQIA+

*women, domestic violence, …

planned parenthood

*wikibdsm

*ressources and informations on sexuality

*therapy groups/organizations

https://www.drsprankle.com/

...