Alone in a crowd, meltdown (venting)
A couple days ago I had a meltdown, I'm tired of FEELING ALONE!
I hear and read a lot of people being "driven crazy" by the pandemic and the restrictions attached to it. How many times did you read or hear "we are all in this together"? We sure are yeah, except this is not a happy vacation on a cruise ship, all of together sipping mai-tais and dancing on the deck. This is a storm and we are all on our separate vessel. Some of us have a nice comfy yacht, some of us have a plank from a the wreck of the Covid waves crashing down on us.
No two human beings manage the same way, especially neurodivergent people and people suffering from mental health issues. We all have different tolerance levels, coping mechanisms, strengths, boundaries, flexibility, capacity to adapt etc... Some of us are well supported and have their friends and family around as much as they need or want it, and some of us are overwhelmed or completely isolated, alone, I'm one of those.
It might not seem like it but I am painfully lonely. I have a strong online presence, I live at my mom's (who is never here), 5mn on foot from my dad's and other people I might know from when I lived most of my life. As much as I am where I grew up, I feel trapped and powerless, even if in a familiar place. I HAD TO go back to my birthplace, a place commonly called "my country" or "home" or "my family"; but this is not home, this is not what "home" means to me. Home is not a place, it's where I feel good, and for me it's with people I trust, love and enjoy, hence I'm very present in social gatherings online. Being back in France alone, is a big hit to my mental health... I had NO other CHOICE if I wanted to survive. I gave up on everything I built, a whole life I was starting to feel comfortable in, to go back to a place I never felt I was going to be happy in. I left most of the people I love and feel loved by behind, with no idea on how to go back.
I am physically isolated, societally marginalized, financially excluded, medically not taken care of, psychologically ignored and emotionally dismissed.
It's been a year now since I gradually lost more and more of the life I had, 8 months since I have been back in France. I had to mourn the loss of everything I had that made me happy or just about. It's really hard to keep my head out of the water. All I have left is long distance relationship and staying up all night to be with those I love but people are getting tired of the virtual substitutes, they want to do everything in real life and soon that will be possible. More and more of those I love are getting vaccinated, borders slowly reopen, we are on the way to being able to hold each other and see be close, but it's not quite yet possible. As long as it remains impossible, I wish to not give up on what is possible but I observe that people are giving up. No more checking on me, less and less calls, discussions and time spent together even if physically apart. It feels like they think: "It was fun for a time but I have a real life to attend so...I'm just gonna skip this person I never met in real life anyways". As if i never ACTUALLY existed although everyone knows I exist. I just feel alone in a crowd: I stand, stagnant, motionless, in the middle of a moving mob...
It's like being a forgotten artefact: a guitar that no one plays anymore, a frame on the wall that no one pays attention to, a book on a dusty shelf that no one reads...
People rush around me never really seeing me anymore, as if I were a pilar in the middle of a room, an obstacle in the middle of the way. I look at them pass me by, avoid me, some stop and stare for a while, try to understand what the hell I am. I get poked, bumped into; it won't take much to get knocked down to the floor, beat, and stepped on and no one will notice until they wonder why the floor feels different here... Because I'm no one, I'm not that important, I don't matter. I'm a pillar with no purpose, I'm not essential, I don't support anything, the world isn't going to collapse in my absence, nothing of significance would change... life will continue, show will go on, the crowd will keep moving.
Do I want attention? Yeah I do! I mostly want to feel human and like I matter... very few people make me feel like this and for the few who do, thank you. I think I'm pretty great, I don't hate myself, I accepted myself with my flaws and "defects". I am pretty proud of who I am all things considered; I am still not sure why I am here and why I should cling to being this motionless entity, trapped, helpless and pointless. Me wanting attention is not a reason to not give it to me... you should do it all the more if you actually care and if it annoys you, then you don't care (anymore?) and shouldn't let/make me think you do!
Some might say this is a mistake but, other people brought me here, other people kept me here, I rely on others to make me feel like I still belong... I never wanted to exist and I don't want to exist for myself. I don't enjoy my own company, I don't do much anything for myself, I only appreciate my own work if I think it will benefit others. Am I proud of who I am, yeah I am, does that mean that I am enough for me, no... And that's not sad emo talk, that's just how I work. Different people different needs, different ways...this is mine. I think therefore I am, I am wanted here therefore I have a reason to be here, the moment I am not wanted... I don't want to be here, what's the point? Forcing myself to stay, clinging on to being rejected, invisible, meaningless...why would anyone do that to themselves? it's called masochism, self harm, not my jam...
I personally believe that if you care about someone, you should talk to them about what they need.What do they need to feel like they matter (start with the 5 love languages)?
Don't ignore them, don't neglect them, don't make promises you have no intention to keep, don't leave them hanging. Respect them, be honest, communicate, say no, apologize, set reminders if you need to, show them that you DO care. If you don't feel like you can have the talk, tell them, they deserve to know "I'm sorry I can't talk", "I don't have the spoons", "I feel overwhelmed", "let's please talk later"... There are many ways to deal with this and yet not having an overwhelming conversation while still limiting frustration and making this other person feel like they matter. It's ok to care about yourself first, but it doesn't mean you should ONLY care about yourself. Other people have feelings too!
No more NO SHOWS! Would you do that in person? Since when is ghosting ok? Life happens, sometimes you can't make it. You can also change your mind or realize something was a bad idea. But how cruel, mean and petty is it to know someone is going to be expecting you and you are, without much scruple, not gonna show up or even tell them after the fact. Don't just disappear on people who care about you when you supposedly care for them. There's enough reason to be anxious these days, no one needs to be worried, wonder if something happened and/or if it might be their fault. If you feel like they somehow "deserved it", even then, better let this person know somehow, you don't have to be direct, than just ghost them, they won't learn anything from it and just picture you as the villain. They will most likely "deserve it" again and not understand the message you are trying to send, they probably don't even know why you ghosted them. Be better than that!
Don't be shitty! and remember: virtual relationships are relationship, behind every contact on your phone or social media profiles/ page there are people, everyone is tired of this situation, it is hard for everyone. haven't you learn anything this year? you don't have to be strong but be kind!
Don't make people feel like they don't matter!